I write a fortnightly coloumn for The Great Eastern Mail in East Gippsland, Victoria, Australia. Missed an edition? Here, I share past letters for you.
Dear Emma, I am writing to you because recently I had an argument with my husband. In that argument, my husband said, “I hold myself back with my doubts”. I can’t seem to get over his words, they are on replay in my head. I think he may be right, but I feel so stuck. I don’t know how to change. I want to move past this and I can see he is trying to help me, but I just don’t know what to do next. Can you help me move beyond this?
Thank you for your honesty and bravery in writing in. Negative thoughts, such as self-doubt thoughts, can be insidious, often overshadowing our confidence and well-being. They can indeed hold us back because they are formed from limiting beliefs we hold of ourselves. These types of thoughts are like heavy clouds that obscure the sunshine of positivity and self-assurance. But unlike the real weather, we can change the thought clouds in our heads. One powerful way to do this can be to make friends with doubt.
Yes, you read that right - make doubt your friend! Doubt can be a powerful ally when used in the right way, by helping us reframe negative thoughts and find a silver lining to our clouds.
The first step to using doubt for self-improvement is recognizing negative thoughts. Often, they can become so ingrained in our minds that we don't question their validity. Doubt, in this context, can act as a wake-up call, prompting us to question the negative narratives we tell ourselves. When doubt arises, consider whether the negative thought is based on facts or opinion. Let doubt ask the question “What would it be like if I didn’t hold this thought? Or “What about this thought is not true?” This simple act of questioning can be a huge catalyst for change. It takes the power out of the negative thought and offers a broader perspective, helping you to see alternative possibilities.
Using doubt this way allows us to approach our negative thoughts with empathy rather than self-judgment. Instead of condemning ourselves for thinking negatively, we can use doubt to explore the origins of these thoughts. Reflecting on the negative thought we can explore ourselves more. Why am I holding this limiting belief? Where has this thought come from? Does this thought make me feel good? Is this thought true? This process often reveals that these negative thoughts are influenced by past experiences, societal pressures, or irrational fears. By approaching ourselves with compassion, we can begin to reframe our negative thoughts more effectively.
In my therapy sessions, we often discuss cognitive distortions. Cognitive distortions are thinking patterns that reinforce negative thoughts. Doubt can help us identify these distortions and replace them with more balanced and rational thoughts. For example, "catastrophizing," where we anticipate the worst outcome, can be reframed by asking, "What are the more likely outcomes?" By challenging distortions, we can introduce a sense of balance and objectivity into our thinking.
Finally, once you have made doubt your friend, use the new information doubt has shown you to offer the old negative thought a more empowering, positive counterargument. For example, if you struggle with a thought like "I'll never succeed," doubt may have shown you that is not true, there are times you have succeeded in small ways you have previously overlooked, then you ca use that to counter it "I have the skills and determination to achieve my goals." These reframes can become powerful tools for reshaping our self-perception with practice and repetition.
I hope that answer can help you. This process can take time and is often complicated with the layers of life, so do seek help from a counsellor or psychologist if you need to. No one needs to weather the storm alone. Remember that doubt, when used constructively and as a friend, can be a pathway to self-compassion. By using doubt to question, reframe, and challenge negative thoughts, we can embark on a journey of self-discovery and growth. Instead of berating ourselves for having negative thoughts, we can acknowledge that we are human and prone to moments of self-doubt and negativity. Self-compassion involves treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding that we would offer to a friend. When we approach negative thoughts with self-compassion, we can more easily reframe them and promote a healthier self-image.
Hope that helps! Emma
